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Edges of My Mind
by Tami
Addenda
It was December. The chill in the air was enough to close the windows of the Hyperion. Outside, the city was bustling with post-Thanksgiving Christmas sales and shoppers rushing from store to store in a marathon to get the best toys of the year for their families.
Inside a darkened bedroom on the third floor, two vampires were sleeping together in the center of the four-post canopy bed that once belonged to Drusilla. The blonde tossed and turned in his sleep. When it got worse, he bolted upright in bed and looked around wildly. Then, he turned to see his Sire sleeping peacefully.
Spike carefully pulled the covers away and got out of bed, replacing them. He slipped on a pair of pajama pants to ward off the chill and grabbed his cigarettes. Spike padded over the worn carpet to the windows. There was a small lamp base-table and Angel’s favorite wingback chair. On the table was an ashtray.
His Sire had moved into the room not long after they killed Riley Finn. Spike squeezed his eyes
shut and shook his head against the image that crept into his mind. He did not feel guilty for Riley’s death. That didn’t stop the pictures running in his dreams though. The dreams left him feeling cold and empty. He felt lonely.
As Spike lit his cigarette, his lashes flickered up and he glanced over at Angel still sleeping in the bed. There was a soft snip as his Zippo flipped shut and was carefully placed on the table. Spike took a drag as he looked out the windows. The chilly air left a light film of condensation on the glass. It was still dark outside, nearly pitch black, the moon hidden behind the clouds. It was fitting weather for his mood. It wouldn’t last long though. The sun always came out, forcing him to seek shelter in the shadows. That’s where he belonged after all. Isn’t that right?
Only he was already hidden. He closed in on himself and shut down. The dreams left him tired. He hadn’t completely lied to Angel. Physically, he was fine. It was the images in his head that he could never break free from. Spent so many months trying to remember what happened when he blacked out. Now, all he wanted to do was forget and go back to the way he was. Before Riley brutally raped his defenseless body, before Buffy came to him that night while he was reading and asked the one question that put the final nail in his coffin: Do you love me? He didn’t know what to feel anymore.
Spike crossed an arm over his chest and took a deep drag on the cigarette. He let the smoke burn through him. Tendrils of heat radiated throughout his body. Maybe that was his imagination. He had seen Buffy once since he and Angel killed Riley. She wasn’t happy to see him walking around. She told Angel that Willow had turned evil and tried to destroy the world, but Xander had saved the day with a hug. The Scoobies always save the day.
“You know I hate when you smoke in the hotel,” Angel said quietly behind him.
“I’d open the window but it’s cold out there,” Spike said by way of explanation.
“Are the dreams still . . .?”
Angel trailed off as he looked at Spike’s half-turned profile. The high cheekbones were threatening to push through the skin. There were dark circles under Spike’s eyes from lack of sleep. The sagging shoulders were a testament to restlessness. His boy had become withdrawn the last few months. Not from him personally, but from life in general. The blonde still went out and fought with the gang, but when they came back, he’d withdraw again.
“Yeah,” Spike sounded lost.
“I can tell you what you already know, but we both know that’s pointless,” Angel said.
“Yeah,” Spike replied.
“Spike . . . Will, come back to bed,” Angel beckoned.
He saw the glow of the cigarette as Spike took one last drag and stubbed it out in the ashtray. Then, he heard the shuffling footsteps on the carpet. A second later, the bed dipped under Spike’s weight. The blonde lay rigidly beside him until Angel pulled him against his chest.
“It’s okay. No one here expects you to be over what happened. It’s something that will stay with you the rest of your life. The only promise I can make is to be here when you need it. Cordy, Fred, Gunn and Wesley are here too. You don’t have to shut us out,” Angel said aimlessly.
“Angel,” was whispered in the darkness.
The dark vampire looked at his childe and saw the haunted blue eyes. It was nights like this that Spike was at his most vulnerable, as if he couldn’t make sense of his life. Angel doubted that anything he just said got through to the younger vampire. He could only imagine the chaos that was in Spike’s head on a nightly basis. The warring images of helplessness as he was stripped of his dignity by humans and vindication when he took it back. Spike was a shell of his former self and that scared the hell out of Angel. But, he knew that it would take a long time before Spike was able to process it all.
Spike didn’t know what was going on in Angel’s head. He barely saw past the turmoil in his own mind. All he wanted in his whole life, and unlife, was to belong to something or someone. For a while he thought that was Drusilla, even though she belonged to Angelus. Then, he thought it was Buffy, but she never wanted him outside of a convenient fuck. Maybe it was Angel, but lately he couldn’t tell if the wedge between them was placed there by Angel or himself.
Spike wondered what would happen if they kissed, with no other meaning than to just feel each other. Would Angel respond to him or leave him like Buffy and Drusilla did? They had sex for months with a therapeutic purpose: to make Spike feel again. For once, Spike wanted it to happen for other reasons, to take his mind off his conflicting emotions and jumbled thoughts, because Angel wanted him.
Angel watched as Spike mulled things over in his head. It looked as if he were deciding how to proceed and arguing within himself. When Angel thought he had enough, he reached over and caressed his thumb over Spike’s cheekbone. Then, he moved closer and sealed his lips over the younger vampire’s mouth.
The action took Spike by surprise. He grabbed the big hand that rested on his cheek like a lifeline. When he opened his mouth on a gasp, his Sire’s tongue slipped past his lips to explore the recesses. Spike closed his eyes against the burn of unshed tears. After a moment of the familiar sensation of Angel’s tongue, Spike relaxed against his Sire’s body.
Angel felt his childe surrender and a sense of pride rushed through him. His hand caressed from Spike’s cheek, the fingertips brushing over the scars on the pale throat left by his fangs, down to Spike’s chest where he rubbed his thumb over a nipple. Angel felt Spike bury long fingers in his thick hair. Then, Spike reached down between them to wrap his fingers around Angel’s thick shaft and stroked the length. Angel growled into the kiss when Spike’s thumb rubbed over the velvety tip.
Angel moved until his hips were cradled between Spike’s thighs. He kissed his boy until Spike had to break the kiss to take in a gasp of fresh air. Angel clutched the back of the blonde head, holding Spike still as he plundered his mouth again. His hips ground against Spike’s until the friction of the sleep pants became too much. Angel reached down and yanked them down a slim hip. Then the other side was yanked down until Spike’s cock and balls were free.
Spike’s eyes widened when the covers were tossed to the bottom of the bed and he shivered as the cool air hit his bare skin. His hand was still in Angel’s hair as the dark vampire moved down his body. A lick here, a nibble there, a soft tongue teasing his quivering flesh caused Spike to arch into his Sire’s touch. He tightened his hold on Angel’s hair when he felt that wicked tongue lave his sacs and draw them into a cool mouth. Then, his sleep pants were gone.
Spike used his other hand to stroke his cock as he watched Angel suck on his balls, teasing them with his tongue. He tried to keep his eyes open to see what the elder vampire was doing, but they kept sliding shut every time Angel made him feel good, feel loved, adored, cherished, even though he wasn’t ready to admit that out loud. Spike’s back bowed when Angel took him into his mouth and he nearly came off the bed, thrusting his dick deep into Angel’s mouth.
The dark vampire gripped the base of his childe’s erection in an attempt to control his bucking hips. When Spike was on the verge of coming, Angel sat up and started pumping his fist over his own hard length.
“Angel,” Spike groaned as he stroked himself.
“Don’t cum yet. Please, don’t come yet,” Angel begged in a low desperate voice, shaking with need.
“Need to,” Spike trembled, trying to hold his own release back.
“Not yet, not yet,” Angel repeated as he stroked faster. Then he went rigid. “Jesus fucking hell,” he growled as his whole body convulsed in a violent spasm and he bucked into his stroking hand as his cool essence splattered all over Spike’s hard, flat stomach. He collapsed on his back beside his childe.
“You are such a bastard, you know that?” Spike growled, angry that his Sire came and he wasn’t allowed to.
“No, I’m not. Come here,” Angel said, tugging Spike closer to straddle his waist.
Angel’s cock was still hard and it nudged against Spike as the blonde moved over him. When he was about to impale himself on his Sire, the dark vampire stopped him. Spike’s lust grew as he watched Angel lick his thick fingers and wipe a small amount of semen off his abs. Angel reached behind him and pushed his wet fingers inside his childe.
“Oh, God,” Spike quivered and clenched his anal muscles around Angel’s fingers.
“That’s it,” Angel encouraged. “Ride my fingers. Stroke yourself, but do it slowly.”
Spike leaned back with a hand on the mattress between Angel’s legs. He stroked himself as his Sire instructed and bounced on the thick fingers inside him until he had a good rhythm between the two stimulations. He watched Angel watch him with eyes half-closed in lust. He could see other emotions there as well, of acceptance and caring, possibly love, but he didn’t dare dwell on it.
“Do you realize how absolutely beautiful you are like this?” Angel’s voice was gravelly. When Spike looked at him incredulously, Angel insisted, “I know you don’t believe that coming from me, but you are. Covered with my fluids, pleasuring yourself. This is what it’s supposed to be like, Spike. Sex is supposed to be enjoyed, watching your partner, your lover enjoying themselves with you. It doesn’t have to be only penetration. It doesn’t need to be painful. How can anyone fear this so much that it gives them nightmares?”
Spike had to close his eyes against the sting of unshed tears. This was too much. Angel’s words, Angel’s touch accepting him as he was, telling him that it was okay to feel passion again, showing him that he could find pleasure in a lover’s touch again.
“No, don’t close your eyes. Look at me. Let me see what you’re feeling,” Angel said. Spike opened his eyes and stared into Angel’s dark brown eyes. “What do you want Spike? What do you want me to do?”
“I want more . . . inside me,” Spike groaned as he continued to move on his Sire’s fingers.
“More of what, Spike, more of my fingers?” Angel asked as he slipped another finger inside the pliant body, causing his childe to moan.
“I want to feel you inside me, to know that you care,” Spike had squeezed his eyes shut, embarrassed that he admitted so much.
Angel pulled his fingers out and replaced them with his thick cock. He watched as his childe shuddered when he thrust deep into him. “If you only knew, Spike. You think I would have helped you when you came to me if I didn’t care about you? You’ve come so far in healing. I made you, taught you everything and I’m doing it again. I wouldn’t have done this if I didn’t care. Did you ever wonder why we could never really kill each other? Blood, blood is everything. You’re born of my blood. If you knew how much I’ve done for you over the years . . . because I care about you. I don’t expect you to understand or believe me. Just know that my feelings for you are, at best, intense.”
“Angel,” Spike started to say something to refute his Sire’s declaration.
“Don’t analyze it, Spike. Just enjoy this, feel the sensations infuse your being,” Angel cut in as he grabbed the slats in the wooden headboard and used it to lever his motions as he thrust up into Spike slow and deep.
Spike squeezed his hand around his shaft and stroked at the tempo Angel set. He felt a slow burn ignite in the pit of his stomach as his arousal built, his sacs filling. The elder vampire started thrusting faster inside him.
“Angel! I’m going to cum,” Spike moaned as he stroked faster.
“Let go, Spike. Come over me. Let me see you,” Angel panted.
He released the headboard and held Spike’s hips down, burying his shaft inside his childe. He directed his boy’s hips back and forth, rubbing the bundle of nerves with his cock as Spike worked himself on the shaft. Spike stroked faster until his body froze and he released all over Angel’s stomach and chest.
Angel pulled a shivering Spike down on top of him and kissed him. Their fluids mixed together on their torsos. Angel’s tongue slipped past his boy’s lips as he rolled them over until Spike lay on his back. Then, the dark vampire pulled away and proceeded to lick Spike’s chest and stomach clean of their semen.
“My gorgeous, naïve poet, my beautiful, deadly childe,” Angel whispered against Spike’s skin. “I can’t wait to see you blossom again, that’s my Christmas wish this year.”
“Sire . . .” Spike breathed, blinking away the moisture in his eyes.
Angel lay beside him and brushed away an unnoticed tear. “It’ll take time, but you’re getting there. You’ll make it because you’re a fighter. Now sleep.”
In demonstration, Angel tucked Spike between himself and the mattress and closed his eyes. Spike had the idea to squirm away from Angel. It chafed him that he was being treated like a fledgling. But then, he relented and closed his eyes, allowing Angel to think that everything was okay . . . for now.
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