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Edges of My Mind
by Tami
Chapter 9
Los Angeles, Hyperion Hotel
It had been two weeks since Spike had tumbled through the doors of the hotel and begged for Angel’s help. The nightmares were still bad, leaving the blonde to a restless sleep.
The bed had been finished, and the room set up for Spike the day after his suicide attempt. Angel had moved him into it two days later, but when Spike woke from a nightmare, he still crossed the hall and crawled into Angel’s bed. The dark vampire took note of it every time he felt the bed dip under Spike’s weight. He didn’t think it was healthy to have his childe rely on him this way. He had to talk to Lorne. Maybe the empathic demon could tell him what to do. As it stood now, Angel felt like his hands were tied.
During this current brooding session, Angel watched Spike interact with Fred and Cordelia at the reception desk. The blonde had started coming down a week ago. Angel didn’t say anything of it. But, he knew his childe. Where he, himself, enjoyed solitude; Spike was a social creature. He hated being alone even before Riley attacked him. Angel didn’t know how he survived in Sunnydale where he was always cut off from other people.
If anyone saw Spike when he was awake, they wouldn’t think anything had happened to him. The injuries had healed and outside of a few lumps still mending; his skin was back to its smooth marble appearance. He came down during the day to heat his own blood and sit alone, appearing smaller than his 5’10 frame. Fred had started to draw him out by sitting with him and telling about her time in Pylea. She probably saw herself in Spike after what had happened, though no one spoke of it. Essentially, Spike was physically fine. However, his psyche was another matter. Angel didn’t know how to fix it.
Seeing that his childe was all right with his friends, Angel went into his office, picked up the phone and dialed a number.
“Caritas, how can I help your future,” Lorne greeted.
“Lorne, this is Angel. Is it okay to bring Spike over so you can maybe help him? I’m at a loss for what to do.”
“Sure, Angel cakes. Nothing better than reading a fresh aura, especially after Zolar the Corrupt Gorkon demon butchered Wind Beneath My Wings. Oh my God, my ears are still bleeding from that. There was nothing good going on in his future, let me tell you.”
“Well with a name like that, I don’t think there would be. Thanks, Lorne,” Angel said and hung up the phone.
He peered out the window that separated his office from the lobby and saw Spike smiling at something Cordelia and Fred were telling him. It was a genuine Spike smile. It had been a long time since he saw Spike without the Big-Bad attitude sneer he always had. Even if Angel was at a loss for how to help him where it mattered, at least the change in scenery had helped Spike. He seemed more relaxed now. It pained Angel to know that Spike didn’t sleep so well. He joined his friends in the lobby and leaned against the reception desk.
“I thought we might go to Caritas tonight as a little celebration,” Angel announced.
“Celebration for what?” Gunn asked.
Angel was stumped there. What could he say that wouldn’t set Spike off negatively? His childe wasn’t one for pity. He may be unguarded at night, but the blonde wouldn’t want to draw attention to what had happened to him.
Cordelia saw Angel’s inner struggle written all over his face and said, “Gunn, do you really need a reason to go out and have a drink with your co-workers. I think a night out is just the thing we all need.”
Angel gave a grateful look toward Cordelia and then turned to Spike to see his reaction. The blonde just shrugged and appeared to go along with the rest of the group. He gave a sigh of relief that his childe didn’t notice the real reason they were going.
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Los Angeles, Caritas
It took a bit of time, but the group finally convinced Spike to sing and have Lorne read him. He was currently on stage while Lorne sat with the group at one of the tables watching the blonde vampire.
When he was ready, Spike nodded toward the bartender to start the music and began to sing, “Day for day, year for year . . . I'm waiting to sense you once again . . . Where were you . . . When I longed for you . . . Where were you . . . When my inner being died . . . I see smoke, patches of fog . . . Darkness clothes me well . . . Where were you all the years . . . Where were your signs . . . The search for you is the loss of . . .You.”
Lorne watched the singer and saw the anger, pain, resentment and a mixture of other emotions pour out through the song. “Ooh!”
Angel sat up, all his attention on the Host. “He came to me a few weeks ago after a couple of people used and beat him. I’m the only family he has. He has nightmares and I . . . I don’t know how to fix it; to fix him. I need to know what to do.”
Lorne turned and looked at Angel. He saw the same haunted look that he saw in the blonde. “You sired him. The bond is thick between the two of you. Though, I’m sensing a feeling of loss, separation. You left him when you were cursed.”
Angel shook his head. “I didn’t know what else to do. Darla banned me from the family after I got my soul. He misses his true Sire, Angelus, maybe. But, I can’t be him.”
“Could of have fooled me, Angel cakes. What with the dark, brooding cloud that’s been hanging over your aura since Wolfram & Hart set you on a killing spree last year,” Lorne commented.
“Can we get back to Spike, please?” Angel looked up at his childe on stage.
“Where were you . . . When I longed for you . . . Where were you . . . When my inner being died . . . I am smoke and a patch of fog . . . Darkness does not see me . . . I was your own sign . . . That I was searching for all the . . . Years.”
“He doesn’t know where he belongs. Whoever hurt him wanted him gone from their life – permanently. For a demon with no soul, I sense that he’s better with a companion. He may portray being a loner and carefree, but he needs ties. You have to become that tie or an anchor if you will.”
“Where were you . . . When I longed for you . . . Where were you . . . When my inner being died . . . The search for you is the loss of . . . You.”
“He’s in so much pain right now, Angel. It makes your cursed soul look like a cakewalk. You need to show him that you’re different from those around him and even from the way you were before.”
“How do I do that?” Angel asked.
“You ever hear the old saying, ‘actions speak louder than words’?” Lorne took a sip of his drink and left the table, Angel watching him walk away.
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Los Angeles, Angel Investigations
When they got back, Spike immediately disappeared upstairs again. Lorne never volunteered to repeat what he told Angel, and Spike didn’t ask. Angel sighed. He went about finishing work on some case files that had been put aside since his childe’s arrival and then went upstairs to shower.
When Angel finished showering, he walked out to his bedroom while towel drying his hair. He had not seen nor heard anything from Spike since they got back. He still wasn’t used to his childe being withdrawn. The younger vampire always had a zest for life even though he was a soulless demon. The Spike he knew was loud and obnoxious. The vampire in his place was quiet and accommodating. Spike had never been accommodating unless it concerned Drusilla. He may look and dress like his wayward childe, but the demeanor and actions thus far were purely William.
Angel dressed in a pair of lightweight sweatpants and went in search of Spike. He could feel that the younger vampire was still on the same floor. Opening a door and quietly walking into the room he had designated for Spike, he scanned the dark room and saw the orange glow of the tip of Spike’s cigarette through the gossamer curtains. Angel silently shut the door and walked over to the open doors that led to the balcony.
Spike was perched on the balcony railing looking out at the L.A. nightlife. To Angel, it looked like he only took a drag of the cigarette when he remembered he had it. This quiet introspective vampire was definitely William. Angel watched him for a few contemplative moments before testing his theory.
“William?” The old name rolled smooth and soft over Angel’s tongue.
“The lounge lizard told you that I was irreparable, didn’t he?” Spike asked quietly.
“He didn’t say that. He said it would take time,” Angel replied. It wasn’t what Lorne said exactly, just what was implied.
“Thank you that I’m a vampire then, all I have is time,” Spike said sadly.
Angel looked down at his bare feet. What could he say? His purpose was to save people, help them, save their soul if he needed to. He had no clue how to save Spike or help him. The resigned note in his childe’s voice seemed so final. Outside of hunting down Riley Finn, which he planned to do anyway . . . what else could he do?
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the sun,” Spike’s voice floated to him.
Angel looked up and saw his childe’s beautiful angular face turned up to the moon. “That is to say, without sizzling like bacon,” Spike said as an afterthought.
Angel watched Spike silently. The moon cast a silvery-blue shadow over his face, creating dark shadows in the indent of his cheek and making his cheekbone look like a razor edge. In the moonlight, Spike bright blue eyes were silver-blue color, like ice. Everything about his childe was hard and sharp edges. Angel thought about what Spike would look like in the sunlight and imagined it would be a breathtaking sight.
“You’re beautiful in any light. It’s why Angelus spent so much time drawing you in the past,” Angel said quietly.
“You say that as though you aren’t him, like he’s not inside you,” Spike commented.
“I’m not him,” Angel stated.
“When you fight do you change?” Spike asked as he took a drag on the cigarette.
“Sometimes,” Angel answered.
“Then he’s still there. You can’t completely forget him. He’s your defense. He’s what you draw on when you’re fighting or angry. He’s what you unleash in retaliation,” Spike explained. “I don’t have that luxury anymore. I’m not a man and this chip in my head won’t let me be a monster. I'm nothing. I merely exist, an abomination of God and the Devil. I can’t be one or the other. I should be able to waste away to dust . . . someday.”
Angel closed his eyes as he listened to Spike talk. A few unnoticed tears slid down his cheeks and dried on his face in the light evening breeze. He remembered how he felt when he was first cursed with the soul: helpless, not belonging to either world. He told Buffy once that he could walk like a man though he wasn’t one. But, Spike’s situation was different. The initiative raped him of his true nature and Riley raped him of everything else. Angel remembered his William as a timid poet who wore his whole heart on his sleeve and underneath was the beautiful killer that Angelus cultivated in his own image.
Angel stepped up behind Spike and wrapped his arms around his chest and waist in a quiet act of possession. Spike lifted the cigarette in silent offering. Angel took a deep drag to calm himself and slowly let the smoke linger out of his lungs through his parted lips. Spike took a drag on the cigarette, and felt comfort when his Sire hugged him tighter.
“You aren’t nothing, Will. You’re my childe. There’s no shame in coming home when you need to. I think that walking through the hotel doors to seek me out was the bravest thing you ever did,” Angel whispered in Spike’s ear before burying his face in the
curve of his neck. He inadvertently licked softly at Spike’s turning mark.
“I had no other choice. I’m defenseless,” Spike said quietly.
They stood silent and watched the city lights for a long time before Angel softly said, “Come inside with me.”
Spike flicked the cigarette over the balcony and turned in Angel’s arms. His Sire let go of him only to
hook a couple of fingers in the waistband of his jeans and guide him back inside the bedroom. He stopped next to the bed and started to undress Spike. Angel removed the duster and tossed it on a chair near the bed. Then he tugged the black t-shirt up over Spike’s head. When he got ready to unbutton the black jeans, Spike’s fingers curled around his wrist.
“What are you doing, Angel?”
“I’m taking the first step in giving back your choice. I’m helping you take that first step in taking back your life,” Angel said simply.
Spike’s fingers released Angel’s hand to resume unzipping the jeans. The dark vampire crouched down in front of Spike to unlace his boots and pull them off before sliding the jeans off his narrow hips and down his legs. Spike stepped out of his pants and stared down at Angel in wonder. He didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like he could even if he did know what to say. He remembered that Angel said it would be on his Sire’s terms and he’d agreed to that. He wasn’t a Welsher.
Angel stood up and pulled his sweatpants off. Then, stood there nude and looked at Spike. He didn’t do anything as a way to sway Spike’s decision. He ignored his hardening cock and waited for Spike to make
the first move.
“I don’t know what to do, what you’re asking me to do,” Spike said. Angelus had always been the dominant one, the conductor of their sex life in the past. Being the dominant one with women was different. He seduced them easy enough, but the vampire before him was different matter. Angel, though souled now, was his Sire.
“It’s your choice, Will. Whatever you want to do, however you want to touch me or have me touch you is your choice,” Angel said.
Spike placed his hands on Angel’s stomach and slowly moved them up over his chest, rubbing his fingertips over the pebbled nipples. He let out a relieved sigh to himself when he heard Angel’s intake of breath. He walked around to his Sire’s back and pressed his torso against it.
Spike crouched down and then slowly stood up as he ran his tongue along Angel’s spine to the broad shoulders. He thrilled inside when Angel shivered against him. Then, he traced the outline of the Gryphon tattoo, following his fingertips with his tongue before pressing his cheek against Angel’s back.
Those years Spike had bitched about Angel, he had let himself forget what his Sire was: the protector of their clan. The broad shoulders and muscle that cushioned his cheek now were a comfort once upon a time. Even though, Angelus was a vicious killer and sadistic Sire, he always protected them; even when it was Spike that had gotten them into trouble.
The blonde vampire moved around in front of Angel and ran his hand down the elder vampire’s arms to his hands. They were powerful arms, and big hands. For 20 years, Spike had personal knowledge of what those hands were capable of. The pain and suffering they could inflict. Those hands would be put to a different use tonight. Spike lifted Angel’s hand and brought it to his mouth as his tongue darted out and licked his Sire’s fingertips.
Angel moaned softly as he watched Spike leisurely tongue his fingers. He had stood still when the younger vampire had explored his back. He’d never experienced that before. No one, not even Spike before now, had been so intimate with him as to touch him everywhere. He had a number of women score their nails down his back, but they never touched it the way Spike just did.
Spike released Angel’s hand and stepped closer, nuzzling into his Sire’s neck. He scented him, breathing him deep until he all he could smell was Angel around him. Then, he let the last of his defenses down. He pulled away and looked up at Angel.
“Kiss me. Show me what it’s like to feel wanted instead of being used for giving pleasure,” Spike requested. He shuddered when the thought of being used by Buffy passed through his mind.
Angel placed his hand on the back of Spike’s head in another silent act of possession, bent his head down and pressed a kiss against his childe’s lips. He pulled away slightly to run his tongue over their fullness. When Spike’s lips parted on a moan, he slipped his tongue inside to explore the depths.
To Spike, this kiss was so different from the dominant way Angelus had kissed him or Drusilla’s softness. It also lacked the angry passion of Buffy’s kiss. This kiss was slow and intense. It caused a burn to start in his belly and spread its fingers out to the rest of his body. He had to grab Angel’s waist for support.
When Angel felt Spike’s hands on his waist, he pulled away and looked down into the blue eyes. His childe stared at him with intense eyes before dipping down to put his mouth against his chest and teased the nipple with his tongue, causing Angel to moan.
As he teased Angel’s nipple, he reached down, wrapped his fingers around Angel’s cock and stroked the length. He stroked leisurely, testing the girth and feel of it in his hand. He had inwardly willed his Sire to touch him and then moaned into the other vampire’s skin when he felt Angel’s hand slide down his spine.
Angel felt Spike melt against him when he whispered, “I only want to make you feel again. I want to show you that it can be different, even between us. You aren’t a thing. You aren’t here to be used. I’m not Angelus. I’m not going to hurt you.”
Angel grabbed Spike’s shoulders and directed him backward toward Drusilla’s bed. They both climbed under the covers and lay on their sides staring at each other.
Angel ran his thumb over Spike’s cheekbone. “Will you let me touch you?”
When Spike nodded, Angel pulled him closer and kissed him in the same manner as before. He reached down and stroked his childe’s burgeoning cock as he licked over Spike’s cheek. The blonde arched his neck when Angel moved down to kiss along the column and then down over his chest and hard, muscled stomach.
“Angel!” Spike cried when he felt his Sire’s cool mouth engulf his erection. Then, he felt a wet finger tease the outer ring of muscle of his ass. His fingers tightened in Angel’s hair at that.
In some strange way, Angel was offering Spike another choice: either thrust his hips forward into the cool mouth or press back onto the teasing fingers. This was becoming too much. In any relationship he had, his partner had always been in charge. His partner dictated everything. This was completely different. He felt weird like something momentous was happening and he’d miss it if he blinked.
“Angel, please.”
Angel heard him and slowly pressed his fingers in, gently stretching him as he sucked down Spike’s length. He felt the other vampire arch his body and then start rocking between his fingers and mouth. Angel sucked softly, allowing Spike the freedom to move his hips, and letting his childe fuck himself on his fingers and mouth. Angel wanted Spike to know he was able to choose how this night would go. He wanted his childe to know that it was his choice in how he wanted his Sire to reclaim him.
Spike growled with the slow intensity of Angel’s attention and released in his Sire’s mouth. He felt the other vampire swallow around him. Then, the fingers left his body and Angel crawled up the bed to lie beside him again.
“I want you to be inside me when you renew the claim,” Spike said.
“Okay . . . are you ready now?”
“Yes.”
“After tonight the Sire-claim will be in place and tomorrow I’ll make preparations to remove your chip,” Angel said.
Spike nodded and, when Angel directed him, rolled over on his stomach. Angel looked around for something to use as lube and ended up going to the adjoining bathroom for lotion. He had promised Spike that it wasn’t about pain, and he meant it. Going back to the bed with lotion in hand, he straddled Spike’s hips and set the bottle aside. He massaged the tension out of his childe’s back for a few minutes and then grabbed the bottle again.
Angel spread the lotion on his fingers and proceeded to get Spike and himself ready. When that was done, he leaned over the blonde vampire and asked, “Ready?”
“Yes.”
Angel slowly pressed his cock inside the tight ring of Spike’s ass. His childe hissed when the head of his cock cleared the outer ring. He helped the blonde onto his knees and then sucked on his turning mark as he pushed deeper inside. Angel worked his hips steadily until Spike was moaning rhythmically with his thrusts. He reached around and wrapped his fingers tight around the blonde’s shaft, giving Spike something to thrust into. As much as Angel wanted to pound into the other vampire, he wouldn’t. This time Spike was in charge.
“Now, Angel!” Spike panted as he came closer to orgasm.
Angel vamped and quickly struck Spike’s neck over the turning mark. As his fangs slid deeper into his childe’s neck, his cock thrust in as deep as it could go.
“Angel! Sire!” Spike growled as his body convulsed around and against Angel, his come releasing all over the sheets under him.
Spike’s orgasm heightened his arousal and he panted out, “Do you accept the claim?”
“Yes!”
Hearing the affirmation, Angel roared again as he bucked against Spike, finally releasing the pent up orgasm. He carefully pulled out of the younger vampire and collapsed beside him. As Spike drifted off to a restful sleep, Angel stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out a way he could help Spike overcome what Riley and Buffy had done. He knew one night of tenderness wasn’t enough, but he also worried about becoming Spike’s crutch. Then he thought of what he knew of Spike and how he dealt with things, and dismissed the crutch idea. Spike wasn’t one to dwell on thing once he got past them. His boy would be fine once this was all over.
Onto phase two . . . .
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