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Edges of My Mind
by Tami
Chapter 11
Los Angeles, Hyperion Hotel
Angel watched over Spike for three days. Three long days spent brooding over the circumstances in which his childe had shown up. He also worried about what Spike would be like after having the chip for so long and then it finally being removed. Angel knew what it was like to have a newly-made childe wake up the first night above ground. But, he didn’t know what to expect with Spike. It wasn’t just the reaction to being free after so many years either. Spike’s reactions were impulsive no matter what.
Spike was trapped in a sedative-induced nightmare. He was back in his crypt again being held down while Riley Finn used him. He knew that he never felt the rape in reality. But, it seemed that his subconscious still remembered every detail.
Dirty, human hands held him down.
Dirty, human nails dug into his cold flesh to anchor him.
The dry, sawing sensation as the human thrust into him roughly.
The smell of his own blood as the human’s use of his body broke the tender flesh of his insides.
God, he wanted to scream. He wanted to cry out to Angel or Drusilla, anyone to get the sweaty human off him. He wanted to scream for the human to get out of his body. He wanted to kick and thrash and bite. He wanted to rip the human’s head off and drain the bastard.
This was nothing like his Sire had done before. Yes, Angelus was rough and had fucked him dry before. But, that was different. The way with his Sire was somehow different.
Then, he felt the human grab his dick and strip it, trying to force an orgasm out of his unconscious body. No! No! I refuse to release like this. I swear I won’t ever look at another human in a sexual way again. From now on, they are strictly there for food.
His body tried to force the intruder out. He tried to crawl away from the human, but his attacker refused to let him go. He kept calling Spike names and yelling about touching a girl with his demon filth. The young poet he once was wanted to cry, but he refused to show his assailant that weakness.
Angel! You gotta to help me! Please!? For hell’s sake, I’m sorry about everything I ever said about you. HELP ME!
“Angel!” Spike yelled so loud that he bolted upright in bed and thought he heard his own voice echo from the dream.
Angel was beside him in seconds, his cool hands grabbing his arms. That coolness was the only thing that stopped Spike from recoiling at his touch. He had left his childe for a moment to see about something Cordelia wanted. When he came back, Spike was thrashing about on the bed, screaming. He’d never heard his boy scream like that before. The only thing Angel could compare it to would be a wounded animal caught in a trap and snarling his anger while trying to break free.
“Spike, are you . . .? Never mind, dumb question,” Angel muttered softly.
Spike’s response was a hysterical laugh that mimicked one of those windup toys. The blonde shook his head as he continued to laugh to himself. He knew he was going crazy. He thought the dreams were slowly driving him insane. God, he couldn’t live like this. That thought sent him into another fit of hysterical laughter. What the fuck did God care? There was no God for demons. Demons had no redeemable qualities in the eyes of God. Angel’s redemption was a farce!
Spike didn’t tell Angel that though. The hysterical laughter slowly died until Spike was left in a shivering mess, with his arms around his drawn up knees, rocking as he whimpered.
Angel stared at the wreck that resembled his childe. He was at a loss for what to do. He didn’t know how to deal with the aftermath of rape. Sure, he’d raped and killed many of his victims when he was evil. But, he had never been on this side of it before.
He took in Spike’s appearance. First thing’s first, Spike’s nightmare had made a mess of both the vampire and the sheets. Angel went into the adjoining bathroom and turned on the faucet to the tub. Once the bath was drawn, he went back into the bedroom and collected Spike. He got his childe out of bed and made him walk into the bathroom. He helped the blonde into the tub. Once he was settled, Angel went back to the bedroom and changed the sheets.
Angel dropped the soiled sheets in the hamper and went back to the bathroom. Sitting on the floor beside the tub, he reached a hand into the water for the washcloth and soap. Lathering the cloth, Angel proceeded to wash the clammy texture away. The last time he saw sweat this bad on a vampire, it was on himself after Faith had poisoned him.
“I should have remembered,” Spike whispered; his voice hoarse from screaming.
“Should have remembered what?” Angel asked as he continued to wash his childe.
“What Angelus tried to teach me all those years ago,” Spike replied. “‘Humans are not meant for anything other than what they are. They are prey to us, nothing more.’ I should have remembered that . . . before I tried to make Buffy like me. Before I fell in love with her . . . or thought I did.”
“Not all humans are prey. You met Cordy, Fred, Gunn and Wesley,” Angel commented.
“Demons can’t love without a soul, that’s what she told me. That I’m a soulless, evil thing,” Spike said in a faraway voice. “But, I loved Drusilla.” He looked at Angel. “You’re the one with the fluffy soul, can you love?”
Angel stopped his movements and thought for a moment. “Anyone can love. A soul is just a conscience. It gives you the choice of caring about what’s right or wrong.” Then, his own voice faltered. “It makes you regret all the bad things you’ve done.”
Spike shuddered when a slip of the dream fleeted across his mind. It would be a long time before he let another hot, human body near him. The thought of it made him feel claustrophobic, which was ironic considering the places he’s been: a coffin, the crypt, small, dank hotel rooms and abandoned buildings. However, the warm water felt nice and Angel’s cool hand soothed him. Not that he’d ever admit that.
Which begged the question: why had he come here? Yes, Drusilla’s apparition sent him here. But, why was he here? He and Angel barely tolerated each other. Thinking back on their existence together, when had Angel or Angelus ever shown him anything that remotely demonstrated any sort of caring? His Sire didn’t want him.
“When I’m healed enough, I’ll leave,” Spike said suddenly.
Angel stopped washing and looked at him. “Where would you go?”
Spike shrugged. “Probably find Dru.”
“Spike, you don’t have to leave here,” Angel said as he resumed bathing his childe.
“Why would I stay? You don’t want me and I would be in the way here. Besides, as Buffy can tell you, I wasn’t really all that much help. I was there, so they made use of me.”
Angel closed his eyes. There was that word again. They used him. She used him. Riley Finn used him. “You can always help out here. You’re getting along with the team. You’ve helped with some of the demonology and research. You can help out in the field.”
He tried to reinforce the word help instead of use. His boy wasn’t meant to be used for anything. Okay, Angelus used him. But, it was different now. He was giving Spike a choice. The blonde vampire was free of the chip now, he was free of Sunnydale. Soon, he’d be free of Riley Finn. Spike had been vibrant, energetic, and loved life with a devil-may-care attitude. It was painful to see him so withdrawn. Then again, he never thought he’d see the William persona again.
“I was never good at saving damsels. It was never my thing,” Spike said. “I’m not atoning for past sins.”
“It doesn’t have to be about atoning or redemption. You can do it as something to break the monotony,” Angel suggested.
Angel wrung the water out of the cloth and set it aside, then drained the tub. He stood up and got undressed. Then, he helped Spike to stand and got in to turn the shower on. He washed himself quickly and then turned his attention to Spike’s hair.
Several minutes later, they finished the shower and dressed. Angel led Spike down to the lobby and down to the training area in the basement. Spike looked around at the room while Angel got the mat out. He looked up to see his childe’s wide eyes.
“Nothing can hurt you down here. It’s just you and me,” Angel reassured him.
Spike nodded as he focused on the dark vampire.
Getting into fighting stance, Angel said, “Now, I want you to come at me.”
“You want me to do what?” Spike asked disbelieving.
“I want you to attack me,” Angel repeated.
“Why the bloody hell would you want that?” Spike asked.
“Just do it,” Angel said exasperated.
Spike went after him with a punch that he blocked and another that hit dead on in the shoulder.
“Again,” Angel instructed.
Spike hit him with an upper cut, a jab to the kidneys, and a glancing blow on the cheek.
“Again,” Angel said louder.
As Spike attacked him with another series of punches, Angel did little to stop him, only blocking a few that were close to seriously hurting him.
“Come on, Spike, I taught you how to fight. You can hit harder than this. I need to know you’re in top shape to have my back in a fight,” Angel taunted him.
Spike growled and went after him again, hitting his Sire in the side of the ribs, stomach and chest. Angel danced around him, blocking a few of the harder blows, but not hitting back.
“All that pain and anger you’re feeling towards Buffy and that army bastard of hers. Use it! Attack me!” Angel taunted him.
He blocked a few more punches to the midsection, but missed the left hook Spike delivered and it rocked him back. He kept up the verbal assault though, reminding Spike of what he supposedly let happen to him.
“Finn locked you up . . . he stuck a chip in your head . . . he threatened you . . . he beat you beyond recognition and raped you . . . he made you a disgrace of your clan! What are you going to do to get that back, huh?”
Spike’s eyes turned into the yellow of his demon and his fangs dropped. He went after Angel, punching his Sire in the stomach and ribs. Angel grabbed his wrist when he delivered another punch and twisted around to jab Spike in the right side of his rib cage. Spike retaliated by twisting back around and busting Angel in the chin. By now, Angel’s own demon had come to the forefront.
Angel wrapped an arm around Spike’s throat, but the blonde used his smaller body and his Sire’s bulk to flip him over his back. Angel landed on his feet and twisted around with a kick that Spike ducked. Crouching to the floor, Spike did a half turn and kicked out, knocking Angel to the floor. He rolled over on top of the his Sire and held the dark vampire’s wrists down on the mat. His jaws opened for the bite when he stopped and stared down at Angel through yellow eyes.
“Why’d you stop?” Angel asked as his demon receded.
Spike followed suit. “I was going to bite you.”
“So?”
“Are you insane? I can’t bite you!” Spike said indignantly.
“You said earlier that humans were nothing but prey. So, finish it!” Angel said.
“You’re not prey! You’re my Sire,” Spike said angrily.
“When has that ever stopped you before?”
“Fighting you is one thing. Being upset and angry with you is one thing. Wanting to kill you is one thing. I’m not worth your blood!” Spike said, releasing Angel’s wrists as he sat up.
“Oh, for the love of . . .” Angel pulled his collar away and cut into his own neck with a fingernail. “Take it!”
Spike just stared him and then stared at the welling blood in the wound. He shook his head, backed off of Angel and towards the corner of the mat. Angel sat up and moved over to him. Spike tried to get away, but Angel grabbed the back of his head and forced his mouth over the wound. “Now, drink, damn it!”
Spike tried to refuse, but a small amount of the enticing blood slipped into his mouth and his tongue darted out to lick the wound. He moaned and grabbed onto Angel’s shoulder and back, pulling him closer. Then, his fangs dropped again and he sank them into the wound.
Angel lowered Spike to the mat and lay over him. He didn’t go for his own bite. Instead, he chose to let Spike feed and grind his burgeoning erection against him. Angel was actually relieved to feel the hardened length against him. The couple of times he and Spike were together, there had been a lot of stroking to get his childe hard and to stay hard during sex.
Angel reached between them, tugged the buttons loose on Spike’s jeans and reached inside to pull his erection out. Then, he tugged his own pants down his hips, releasing his own cock. Spike whimpered and groaned when Angel tightened his hand around both erections and started stroking.
Angel groaned when Spike sank his fangs in to the gum line. He continued to stroke them, letting the blonde’s rocking hips set the pace. Then, he started whispering encouragement.
“William, my boy, my sweet childe . . . I made you for me. I didn’t make you for her or her amusement. You were never made for the intention of being chipped and made into a sideshow freak. I made you into an exceptional killer . . . taught you to fight with the grace of a cat. You were never to be used as a sexual plaything for mortals.”
Spike groaned into his feeding and rocked his hips with his Sire’s stroking. His grip on Angel’s shoulder and back tightened as he whimpered.
The dark vampire stroked faster. “Come on, Spike. What happened to the Big Bad? Don’t tell me he’s completely lost to William.” Angel nipped at Spike’s ear and sucked gently on the lobe. “Come out; come out, wherever you are . . .”
Spike growled, twisted his body and rolled Angel over onto his back, straddling the older vampire. Then, he pulled free of his Sire’s neck and sat up, blood dripping down his mouth and chin, trailing down his neck. He reached down and replaced Angel’s hand with his own, stroking harder with the other vampire thrusting up against him. The dark vampire grabbed his shirt and yanked him down, immediately locking his lips over Spike’s mouth and tasting his own blood.
Angel pinched and tugged on Spike’s nipple through the shirt, causing the blonde to moan into the kiss and grind against him. Angel broke the kiss and moved Spike up a little. When he bit the nipple through the shirt, Spike opened his mouth on a silent scream as his forehead and arm hit the mat. Angel reached down and squeezed Spike’s hand tighter over their cocks and stroked faster until he had the blonde convulsing over him just before their orgasm released between them.
Spike rolled off his Sire, but Angel didn’t remove his hand from him. Instead, he rolled over onto his side facing his childe. When Spike started to panic, he immediately released him. Whatever Riley did to his boy was traumatizing him even after what they just shared. Granted, Angel wasn’t expecting miracles. But, as he watched Spike fasten his jeans to hide his dick, the dark vampire’s brow furrowed. His childe was an exhibitionist; he’d never known him to cover up anything after something like this.
“Spike?” Angel inquired as he watched his companion become restless.
Spike sat up. “I --” he started say. “I’ve got to go.”
Angel watched him get to his feet. “Go where?”
“Just . . . anywhere . . . to think,” Spike said softly.
When he heard boots pounding the stairs, Angel fell back on the mat and tried to figure out what just happened. Spike needed time. Maybe he was rushing things? Maybe he wasn’t what Spike needed at all? Maybe he should let Spike go to find Drusilla, not that she’d be much help either. But, she was a female and a soulless demon like him.
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Spike was outside the hotel, smoking a cigarette to calm his nerves. He hadn’t expected that to happen with Angel. He hadn’t expected to feel anything again. After what happened with Buffy and Riley, he’d been on autopilot during his encounters with Angel. Tonight was the first time he felt the adrenalin of fighting, the bloodlust that made his mouth water, the sexual tension between them. He had gotten hard and stayed hard! He had even become a little aggressive.
He still wasn’t the same as he was before. Angel’s words confused him. He had called him his boy, his William. But, he wasn’t William or Spike. The only thing in the jumbled thoughts that stuck out since the nightmares was that Angel made him feel . . . something. But, how was that any different than Buffy using him to feel alive?
Spike heard a rustling in the bushes. A group of people rushed out of the darkness – possibly five or six men – dressed in black Kevlar. He started fighting them off and was doing really well. One of them was tossed against the wall of the gardens; another was thrown over the bushes. The third, however, pulled out a Taser and zapped him full of electricity.
His last conscious thought was of Angel before everything went black.
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